As I am *mostly* on the other side of a really tough season, I thought I’d share a lesson learned from the challenge of the last year-ish.
I am what you might call introspective.
In my normal state of mind, it’s easy for me to over think things and analyze. I mean it. I think…a lot…about lots of different things. And I believe that is part of what makes me, me. It can have some good to it.
But when I was in the thick of my post-partum depression, it was bad. I would do and do and do all day without time for my precious thoughts. Then, at night, I couldn’t fall asleep- even though I was sleep deprived and physically exhausted- because my mind was making up for lost time. As I’ve shared before, I am also a fixer. I want to find every little thing wrong with me and weed it out (preferably as quickly as possible), which encouraged me to get lost deep in thought. I even started to understand the appeal of drug use as an escape.
It can easily turn into a pretty nasty cycle of dissect, analyze, judge, and criticize some more.
Sometimes I would get in these grooves and just want to shake my head until I could start again with a clean slate. But, I felt it was okay to participate in this cycle because I wanted to be wise. I wanted to be thoughtful about my actions. I wanted to be Christlike. That’s good, right?
Well, I let it get out of control. I was spending way too much time looking at myself.
Psalm 61:2 says, “Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I”
I’m realizing that I can pray for God to lift me out of that cycle of me, myself, and I. I can be freed up to look at something else.
It was also around that time that someone in my bible study spoke about Robert Murray M’Cheyne’s “For every look at self, take ten looks at Christ.” I’m challenged by that. I know my life is nothing near those proportions, and I want to experience it.
So, I guess I’ve learned that it’s not up to me to find and fix everything that needs fixing. If I ask Him to search me, He is faithful to do it.